no hope
by tazzieee
Summary: hopefully all you people like goodluck and tell me what you think


**No hope**

I dropped the letter on the bed that I had written to Jason explaining my death and why. It was short and simple. He would be heartbroken, but it was for the best. _It is the only answer to all my problems, _I thought, _I mean, what else can I do? It's not I like I have any hope left. Who else can I turn to?_ I stood there in my bedroom, the knife ready in my hands, poised over my veins.

I knew that if I cut deep enough, it would kill me, but I was starting to think about my motives. The problem here was that I _wanted_ to die. I did. I mean, there isn't any reason to keep on living.

I had this white top on, and I thought about how awful it would look, soaked in my blood. But I knew that if I didn't hurry though, Jason would be here and he would try to stop me. I didn't think he would succeed. _But I might as well do it while he isn't around, _I thought.

I chuckled under my breath, "How stupid am I. Hah! If Jennifer was here, she would say 'You're not serious, Sam. I mean, come on. You are contemplating you're death!' that's _exactly_ what she would say." I laughed out loud this time.

_So it's decided. I really am going to die. Huh, I never thought it would come down to this. Oh well, better now than never, right?_ I slowly lowered the knife over my skin. It felt cool next to my heated skin. I knew that it would hurt but it was better than living without dad and Jennifer. After all, it _is_ all my fault that Jen isn't here anymore.

I took a deep breath and lifted the knife to my neck and brought it down fast and strong, letting it rip through my skin and right through my veins. I had gone deep enough.

This was it.

I pulled it out, holding back my scream by biting down hard on my tongue. I saw my blood pour out and started to feel lightheaded. My hand was bleeding from where the blade had grazed it.

I stopped biting my tongue, too mesmerized by the amount of blood I was losing-it was amazing! The colour-it was so striking! But the smell wasn't. Oh well.

My head was spinning-everything was spinning and I fell down on the floor. My legs couldn't hold me up anymore. My left arm was hanging uselessly by my side; I couldn't move it. And my right arm was on my lap, ruining my top and my nice gray jeans because the blood was trickling down it.

_Oh well_, my head was hurting really badly and then I fell to my side. This was so painful...maybe I _should_ have stabbed myself in the heart? It would have been faster. Everything was slowly going black, and then I lost consciousness.

*****

It was the first of February, 2011. I was in year 11 and life was a pain at the moment. Nothing was easy: my School Certificate marks sucked last year, and my parents have been fighting a lot more lately.

Well, at least I can look forward to this year. Maybe everything will be different? I mean, I won't have such major breakdowns this year. I am a happy person. It's not like I can ever become like one of those depressed kids. Right?

I walked through the gates of hell. Well, really the gates of Everton Fields Senior High. My senior school. Also known to be the school which produces the best HSC marks. It was really expensive. Do I sound like I'm bragging yet? Huh, who would have thought I would make it in?

At least four of my friends were coming here too. So I wasn't on my own. I looked around the school. It was _huge!_

It was amazing and extremely colourful.

The library was amazing; I could see it across the soccer field. The very big and very long soccer field. The library was painted a nice dark blue-it looked great. It was one of those shades of blue you hardly see around.

I stood there like an idiot, mesmerized with the school and its library. The school and the library. THE DAMN LIBRARY! Can you believe it? I am a nut case in the making.

"Samara! Babe," I felt strong arms go around my waist and lift me up, swinging me around. I was slowly put down. I turned around to the smiling face of Jason, my boyfriend and the best friend anyone can ever ask for. I smiled back, giving him a really big hug. He laughed into my hair.

I pulled away, looking at him and taking all his features in. He smiled. "You checking me out, baby?" I smiled and nodded. He barked out a loud laugh. I was to breathless to say anything but hug him.

"Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam!" I looked over Jason's shoulder to see Jennifer, Freddie and Kate hurry over to us. I ducked out of Jason's bear hug and ran towards Jennifer, knocking her over with my hug. She laughed and hugged me back just as tightly. It was amazing to see my best friend all over again! We pulled away screamed then hugged each other again.

She and I had been best friends since year 7. We were both there on the first day and we didn't know anyone so we sat next to each other in maths and started talking. Well, you would know the rest, right?

We finally pulled away and I moved on to greet Kate and Freddie. I was so glad to see all my closest friends here with me in this damn hell hole. We walked on slowly, chatting with one another and went into the front office and over to student services. I gave my name to the old lady and got my timetable and a map of the school. Once we were all done we walked to our classes. We decided last year for all of us to take the same classes so we would be together this year. Am I lucky or what? I rolled my eyes and heaved a sigh at my thought. What was I going to do this year?

We walked into our first class. Can you guess what it would be? No, you're wrong-it is not English. It is general maths. Maths you do every day of your life. Maths that will be part of your life, day in and day out. I went and took a seat next to the window as Jas and Jen were having an argument about who would sit next to me and who should sit next to Kate and Freddie. In the end, Jen sat next to me and Jason sat next to her. He was mad and it was funny to see him like that.

The class dragged on and we got out of class after what seemed like a whole lifetime later. We walked over to the cafeteria and there we grabbed a table and sat down. Jason was sitting next to me and we were talking about how we were going sort out our personal life. "Sam, honey, what are you trying to say? That we shouldn't be together anymore?"

"No Jas, all I'm saying is we should just kind of like lay back on the whole meeting each other every night. Instead, we only meet on Friday nights and Saturdays. It'll help us with our school work." I said clarifying. "Jas I love you and you know that better than anyone else, but you know how important it is to me to do really good these next tow years." He smiled softly then nodded, understanding me.

"Alright-but only 'cause I want you to do awesome this year!" I hugged him and turned to talk to Jen.

"How about the movies tonight?" She was asking Kate and Freddie,

"Nah, it's going to suck. I mean, first day back and we are already slacking off. No way Jenny. I suggest we start this year off seriously, and you know how much Sam wants to do well. So nope: no movies." Kate had a stern look on her face as she replied to Jen's suggestion. They dropped the topic, and Jen turned to me and shrugged. I knew she was mad at being told off. But I couldn't say much now, could I? It isn't _my_ fault I want to do good this year.

The day passed in a blur and the next thing I knew it was time go to home. I walked out into the school parking lot just as Jas drove past and asked me if I wanted a lift. I shook my head: Jen and I were going to take the train this year, so she walked with me towards the station.

"I swear, I am going to slap Kate! I am sick of her damn smartness already. I mean, it's only the first freaking day!" I smiled and looked at her, not adding any comments. "Sam, what's up? Why have you been so quiet today? You know I hate it. Usually you are, like, hyper. So what's up?" She asked me and I turned to her.

"Nothing. It's just that it's a new school and our classes suck. We have Maths, English, Sport and Business Studies-it sucks!" I declared. "I hate all of it. And the worst thing part? We have the same subjects all week long. For the entire year. Life sucks." I was starting to hyperventilate and almost started crying.

"Hey, hey," She cooed. "Look, it's OK honey. Don't worry, okay? You're going to be fine. You have us! And sweetie? I think you should talk to your parents. You seem like your getting depressed..." She looked concerned.

"No, no-I'm fine. Don't worry." We reached the station and waited for the stupid train. It took us an hour to get home. And by the time I walked in through the front door, it was 5 PM.

I closed the door slowly behind me. "Mum, I'm home!" I screamed, making my presence obvious. I realized I had heard no response. I was sure mum would be home: it was Monday. Mum never worked on a Monday. I walked deeper into the house. It was too quiet. You would expect Tania to be home.

Tania is my older sister. She's becoming a lawyer and her semester is about to finish, so you would think she would be home, too. But no one was here. I walked into the kitchen with still no sign of either of them. I saw someone slummed on the lawn outside. I opened the door to the backyard cautiously and walked over to the hunched figure. As I peered closely, I realized it was mum. I tapped her on the shoulder and she turned around to look at me. I gasped, taking a big step back.

"Mum what... What's wrong?" I looked over her tear stricken face to see my father's body in her arms. He was all bloody. I fell down to my knees. "Mum, why isn't daddy moving? And why does he have blood all over him?" I sounded like a little 5 year old girl who didn't know what the image in front of her meant. Mum slowly dropped dad's body and dragged herself towards me. That's when I got a clearer view of dad, and saw a knife handle sticking out of his chest, where his heart would be.

I went numb. All I felt and saw was blackness. It was as if it was going to squash me. It was hard for me to breath and my head hit the ground with a loud _thud!_

****

I woke up slowly, my hand on my forehead. Every part of my body was hurting. I looked next to me and saw mum, her head was resting on my hand. I tried to pull my hand out from her grip without waking her up, but failed as she woke up with a jerk. When she saw I was awake, she threw her arms around me. Sobbing into my clothes, she managed to say, "Oh honey! Sweetie, I am so glad you are alright! I was so worried..." She trailed off, and then it hit me. Everything that had happened. It hit me, knocking the breath out of me. My dads' body, the knife, mum crying-it all came back to me like a tornado. I started to cry and wail.

"Mum, I want dad. Where is he, mum? Why did he have to leave us? What happened to him?" I was in hysterics and babbling on.

"Shh.... Honey, dad is fine we're getting his burial ready. He... he got murdered. That's what happened." I could tell it was hard for her to say such things, but that was the best thing about mum: She never gave me false hope. We sat there for a while, just crying and hugging each other. Then I realized something.

"Where is Tania?" She pulled away and looked at me.

"She ran away, honey, and I don't know where she went. I have no contact details-nothing. Her phone number that I have is wrong. I don't know what to do..." I looked at my mum: she was helpless.

"Don't worry, it'll be OK. We have each other." I pulled her back into a tight, reassuring hug.

_3 months later...._

_April 1__st__ 2011_, I thought. It had been 3 months since dad had died and his killer hadn't been caught yet. Well, at least I can say with dignity that I am depressed. I turned out to be one of those girls who are depressed and emo. At least I haven't started cutting myself yet. I had stopped seeing Jason so much. All I knew was that we were together, but I hardly saw him on the weekend, only during school. And even _then_ I was quiet. Jen was getting really worried so she called and told me that we were going shopping today.

Mum was recovering much faster than me. She was happy and had finally gotten into contact with Tania. She had a classic crying fit over the phone with her and was talking for hours. I was getting ready and heard the doorbell ring. I ran downstairs and answered the door. Sure enough Jen was there, she looked at me and smiled "Let's go," I nodded and she pulled me outside.

We were walking to the shops, because it was just a few minutes away. We walked for a while quietly, then Jen sighed and turned to me as we were about to cross the road. "That's it-I can't take it anymore! Can you _please_ just stop being depressed? I am starting to get annoyed. I mean, you hardly talk and then all this crap..." She kept going on and I started to cross, but didn't see the car coming from the right. The side she was walking on. The next thing I knew, I had moved out of the way without a scratch, and I went to pull Jen back, but was too late. The car had slammed into her side and her body flew across the road: Jen was dead.

After that, everything went by in a blur. I knew that I had just lost my best friend in only a matter of 3 months time. Two of the most important people in my life had left me and I had no one left but mum and Jas. I heard the ambulance and police sirens, and was aware of being driven to my house, but I was numb again. When I got inside the house, I was greeted with an upset and shocked mother who started to cry and pulled me into a hug. I was too shock to cry. I had no more feelings. I had nothing left in me.

Days passed, maybe even weeks. I was normal on the outside, but on the inside I was dying. I had a beating heart that didn't know how to show sympathy-that didn't show love or sadness. I was a shell of a lost girl. One that had died with her best friend, and I was responsible of her death.

It was a sunny Saturday morning. Even though I wasn't feeling very happy, I looked quite happy. Jason had just called me a few minutes ago saying he was coming to pick me up: we were going out. He didn't know what I had planned for myself, but I had decided it before he had called. No one knew what of a surprise they were in for. No one.

I bent down and opened my draw that had all my school books in it. I pulled out my most hated subject book: Maths. I ripped a page out and wrote:

_Dear Jas,_

_Hey babe, how are you? Well, enough of the small talk - I might as well get this over with. Darling, I am only doing this for your benefit. By the time you read this, I will be dead and it's for everyone's good. _

_I am suffering and thought that this is what will get me through my life. Not that I will be alive anymore. I want you to live on. I am going to kill myself and don't worry, I am doing this for myself. For your benefit. _

_I am going to tell you why, though. That much I _do_ owe you. It's 'cause I am sick of my life. I don't see a reason to live on any more: my dad is dead and that wasn't my fault. Yet I still beat myself up for it. Also, my best friend is dead and that i_s _my fault. _

_I killed her._

_Yeah, yeah. You will say 'No, babe. You didn't.' But it's no use. I know I killed her, and nothing is going to change that. So for now and forever, my dear and my one true love, goodbye and live on._

_Yours to be, always and forever, _

_Samara._

I folded the letter and wrote down Jas's name on the top. I let it drop onto my bed, and then I turned and picked up the knife. _This is it,_ I thought. I was going to die.

**THE END**

**Alright all you lovely people you know you want to. **

**Tell me what you think and the truth absolute truth, okay?**

**awesome**

**:D**


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